Feeling Gray

Share This Article

Today has not been a great day for me.  It’s been raining and the sun hasn’t peeked through the clouds all day.  I’ve broken my promise to always get up and get dressed so Nana and I have been sluggishly moving around all day in our pajamas.

It’s days like this that I just want to lay around in bed and watch movies all day, but I have a four-year-old that wants hugs and breakfast and to show me her new sunglasses and to be with a mommy who doesn’t want to lay in bed all day.

And then I feel like I’m failing.

The gray makes me sad.  And I’ve been focused on loss today.

This weekend the Hubster and I had a quick conversation about finding Nana’s biological family.  Well, contacting them since I already tracked them down on Facebook.

Hubby is not ready.  Contacting the family exposes us to possible pain and drama.  It’s so easy to find information on the internet that of course they would know the city where we lived and could possibly find our address.  There are so many things to think about, like what contact with her family would look like.  Would it be pictures, phone calls, or even visits.  It’s scary to think about inviting people into our lives and having to struggle through boundary setting and all these new feelings.

He’s not wrong.  But neither am I.

Contacting her biological family could provide us more medical history for Nana and more background about her culture.  We’ll learn about her family and her siblings and be able to pass that information on to Nana.  Maybe the family will have some peace in knowing that she is alive and thriving.

I don’t know why this feels so immediate but I want to make sure that Nana has everything she needs when she has questions. It may be uncomfortable, it may make us uneasy, but we are grownups and we can work through it.

It will be different, but it doesn’t have to be negative.  But, it will also have to wait.  Until both of us are ready.